Thursday, August 6, 2009

Mean Girls

Last night Mike and I met at Vlasis Park in Ballwin with Claire and some finger lickin' good dinner. Somehow, Claire managed to resist the curley-cue slides long enough to gulp down some corn and a chicken tender only to meet the meanest, little, bitchy, snob-toddlers on the playground! I'm talking mini-Rachel McAdams in "Mean Girls" mean.
There were two of them. Both with bobbed haircuts and knock-off Children's Place back-to-school outfits. And both with bad attitudes. At about 5 years old tops, they were "big kids" compared to Claire, but she tends to hang with a more sophisticated crowd so she can roll. Usually, when approached at the playground by a sweet, cherubic little blondie like my Clairey, kids are friggin' psyched to play with her! Claire's usually the leader of the pack. But not this time. "Can I play with you?" was met with a "Uh? No? We don't play with babies?!" proceeded with a hair flip and lemon pucker look. WTF?!?!?! Oh, it's on Hannah Montana times 2!
Claire comes running back to me almost in tears. "Those kids won't play with me!" I flashback to the bible school my mom used to send me to before Leah was born and I had no neighborhood kids to really play with. I approached the 'cool girls' on the jungle gym and asked them if I could play with them (what's with the asking, just start playing! we're kids!) Anyway, they said "no" and I was crushed. I mean, I'm typing about it 28 years later, so... Back to Vlasis Park or the latest Lindsay Lohan movie...whatever. Claire, like a glutton for punishment, keeps trying to get those bitchy girls to play with her. She was obsessed with getting them to like her. They must have made fun of her hair or outfit or something because at one point she runs over and cried "They said I'm not pretty!! waaah!!".
It was a constant battle in my brain trying to allow Claire and the bratty twins to let it play out on their own and swooping in and rescuing her from the future nail technicians with multiple baby daddies. "Claire, why don't you go find some nice, friendly kids to play with?" Meanwhile Mike suggests "kicking them in the shins".
Luckily, a really nice, beautiful red-headed family with 5 kids - all with normal names - appeared from the heavens. Luke, the patriarch, must be able to feel the heartbreak on all of our faces each time Claire runs over and tells me Taylor and McKenzie or whatever their annoying names were, had made fun of her again. So anyway, Luke introduces his lovely 3 year old curly redheaded daughter, "V" (for Veronica which is not annoying at all) to Claire. They become fast friends, running and skipping and playing hopscotch and approving of each other's wardrobe choices and everything. Yay!
Well before we know it, she's managed to sneak away from V and is climbing up the clubhouse tower thing. Mike and I can tell it but Claire can't, she's about to cross paths with Kortnee and Brittnee!! Beware Claire! Before I realize it, Kortnee or Jaydyn or whatever her stupid name is, flipping body checks Claire! I MEAN GETS IN HER FACE! I literally scream at the top of my lungs from 2 floors down "OH NO YOU DON"T!" It wasn't pretty.
Within seconds, Claire pushes the girl away from her and secretly I'm like "damn straight" but on the outside I'm like, "playground onlookers are NOT going to mistake my angel-baby who is just defending herself for the troublemaker. Hands to yourself Claire!" It was ridiculous! The next thing we know V has rounded up all the colors of Benetton (it's a very diverse park population, which I appreciate) and they are crowding around those finger-snapping snoots and telling them off. It was awesome! "you're not being good friends...I AM big shouldn't be mean..." It was like an after-school special. The mean girls were outnumbered. The nice girls had HAD IT! It was so rewarding...for me, I guess for Claire and V and the rest of the good kids, who won't get caught stealing press-on nails from Walgreens in 6 years by the way, which I CAN'T say for you know whos. I was like "take that beeyotches! Have fun selling wings at Hooters in 11 years."

The best part? As we're leaving the park, little Paris Hilton bites it and falls down flat on her face. "Why did the mean girl fall down Papa?" without skipping a beat Mike replied, "Karma sweetie".


  1. I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard!!! I have to go to the park with you :)

  2. just as long as you're not on the mean girls' side!

  3. This saga had me in stitches at work. Thank god for the Veronicas of the world!