Sunday, March 10, 2013

Rock Bottom?

I'm sure this is not a new or unique 'problem' for those who blog, but I've been having a hard time figuring out what and when to blog. I think of great posts throughout my day, but struggle with how to capture the bright idea once I have time to sit down and type.

I'm a therapist and sometimes my clients struggle with what to talk about. They don't know where to start. I usually respond with "Well, what's been on your mind lately? Usually starting there will lead us somewhere we need to go."

The first thing on my mind is me. My health. And how crappy I feel. I've NEVER weighed this much in. my. life. I could stand to lose 100 pounds and that seems so overwhelming I could cry. So instead I eat. I'm definately an emotional eater and have had issues with food ever since I was a little girl. Except back then I could eat and eat and eat and never gain any weight. Then I figured out that I could restrict my eating and that took me down another path. I had to hit rock bottom at 95 lbs (at the same height I am now, 5'9") before I got better.

I still have similar eating issues. They're just on the other side of the spectrum. Plus, I just don't take good care of myself. I don't know that I've ever had a long period of time where I took good care of my body. Maybe when I was single and had a lot of free time and needed to keep the goods in showroom condition. But if I think of a theme over my childhood, adolescence and adulthood in relation to my self-care it would be 1. Do what feels good. Because too many other things don't feel good.  2. Take care of your brain. Be smart. That's the only thing that matters, not looks (or apparantly just good health)

I know I need to fix it.
I know what I technically need to do to fix it.
A big part of me (no pun intended) wants to fix it.

Why aren't I doing it?

I felt like shit all day on Friday. I saw one client and went home early. Ate some IMO's pizza and took a nap to try to get rid of a weird headache I'd been working on all day. Woke up and felt worse. By the time Mike came home at 5:30 I had an ice pack on my skull trying to numb the migraine that was brewing. By 6:30 I was in tremendous paiin and puking for the next hour or two.

I went to bed at 7. Didn't get to hang out with my kids. Didn't get to eat dinner and chill on the couch with them. Heard them laughing and couldn't join b/c the TV was too loud and the lights were too bright. It sucked. No fun.

I always feel like shit. I'm always tired. No energy. Sore feet from plantar fascitits. Achey knees from patella fascitis. Misaligned hips make it hurt to even walk long distances. For these reasons plus the consistant weight gain I'm collected over the years have made life miserable. I eat like shit because I feel like shit. I'm running out of clothes that fit me. I'm beyond uncomfortable in my skin.

What am I waiting for? This has got to be rock bottom, right?

I don't want to do anything differently. But of course I do, or else nothing will change. I miss the old me. But even the old me was sick of myself from 5 years prior. And so on and so on.

But I'm also sick of all of the self-deprecation on the blog world lately. Everyone feels fat. It's the cool thing to do. I'm sick of hearing so much of "Big Sally had a salad with crispy chicken instead of grilled" and shame-bragging about your mutliple chins. Calling yourself a 'beast'. I can't handle it.

Instead of focusing on all of the negative things about me and my life, and I can count pretty high. I don't think it's going to help. I think focusing on the positive in going to help more.

I can think of one particular blogger that never seems to go off on herself. She's always smiling. Seems very proud of herself and her accomplishments phsyically and with her family. She doesn't have a perfect body (who does, except for Mama Laughlin?) but she's made killer progress and knows it. She doesn't seem to do crazy drink fads and only eat green foods that end in a vowel, etc. She just works her ass off.

I'm going to be thinking of her as I try to gain the courage to start DOING what I need to be doing.

1 comment:

  1. You need a hug stat! I am on my phone right now, so I will email you when I am on my computer.